The Wizard World Comic Con at the Anaheim Convention Center was just held the other weekend, April 16th through the 18th – same weekend as the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival was taking place deep in the California desert. What an interesting contrast for weekend event planning. It’s the geeks versus the stoners, while the jocks headed to the Staples Center to watch the Lakers defend their standing on the way to the NBA finals against the Okalahoma City Thunder (87-79, Lakers. – suck it, Thunder). Looks like you can take the people out of high school, but you can’t take high school out of the people – they just get bigger venues and have to take out a second mortgage to pay for parking.
The other big difference? There is now officially nothing at all wrong with living as a geek, dork, or nerd (sorry dweebs, dolts and oafs – we still can’t be seen talking to you, we have our reputations to think of). I mean just a get load of all the serious tail at these geekfests! The skewed pecking order of the old high school days has finally been rectified. Geeks and geekettes have always known they were smarter than the average bear when it comes to their areas of interest, that’s what being a geek is all about, but now the brains are rocking the hot, mirror-melting, looks to match. Yeah, there’s still a lot of stormtroopers walking around these events, but isn’t a white knight in shining armor just what girls have always dreamt of? I say, bonus points for a white knight with a laser pistol.
These geeks are the people you can live out your fantasies with. You think you’re kinky because you loved using handcuffs during college, because you once did it in a Tastee Freez restroom or because the idea of oral on a road trip sends a tingle up your spine? No, that just means you should call me right away.
How about flirting with necrophilia, you sickos! That’s freakin’ kinky! (…And illegal in all 49 states – still not sure how I feel about Alaska as a state yet.) These “zombie tramps” that were stalking the venue had me thinking about it for the first time… well, there was that one time outside Poughkeepsie – but they brought her back with the paddles so it was fine.
The undead not your bag, baby? (…And I urge you to reconsider the vampire at the top of this article.) How about men in tights – tight tights? The Flash here promised me he loves to slow things down with the ladies. Old school Batman will to let you play with his batarang as long as you promise not to break it. How about cyborgs – are you getting enough heavy metal in your sex life? Handcuffs to mundane? Maybe Doctor Octopus could fulfill your needs, and those of your seven closest pillow-fighting sleep-over friends – as soon as he finishes battling Spider-Man over his new limited edition Hulk lunchbox. Plus, he’s a doctor. Check out the pirate groupies, look at their faces – you can tell they’ve learned first hand that once you go Jack you never go back.
Now I mean no disrespect to cheerleaders who use their powers for good, but who doesn’t have a soft spot for a bad girl? I would never kick these evil cheerleaders out of bed for eating crackers. I mean, tiny skirts and fishnets – this combination is the kill switch to men’s higher brain functions. Do you look like a stubby trash can? No problem! This black R2 unit left the Comic Con with two chicks! Come on, he’s not even human – he’s not even a life form! How much easier could it get?!
I know what some of you are thinking, “Come on, you’re exaggerating.” Nope. These are the real people folks. The real geeks. To be fair, I did slip a couple model or performer pictures in there – but only because, as I was snapping the shots, one told me she actually requested the job because it got her into the Comic Con for free. (I got into a pizza convention that way once. Heaven. But, as you can imagine, the girls weren’t as hot and it looked like all the guys went as Jabba the Hutt.)
Now, I’m not trying to be shallow here. Geeks already know that it’s what’s inside that counts – they’ve been living in their mothers’ basements concentrating on their insides all this time, feeling shy about their pudgy pale outsides. To be fair, maybe it’s just sunny California, just the Hollywood lifestyle, but these geeks, dorks and nerds found their local gym, court or field on Google Maps, grabbed their balls and stepped out into the sunlight. Jocks beware; these geeks mean business – hot business – and don’t forget about their obsessively detailed knowledge in areas like string theory, film history and President Lincoln’s years as a vampire slayer. You may have to pick up gardening or something just to stay in the game. Check out these shots of attendees that aren’t even dressed up for the occasion. Sure, maybe they’re geek-seekers, but I’ll bet you could make a case about Jenny Calendar being Giles real soul mate, and they would know exactly what you were talking about.
You see the geeks are quickly becoming masters of all worlds. They started with the goofy stories and art about men in their underwear fighting crime and turned it into an empire that’s taking over Hollywood. They started by fiddling with punch cards and circuits in their parents’ garages and now dictate the way the world does business, makes calls to anywhere from anywhere using pocket phones… communicates any sort of information in any way! And now they’re getting in shape too?! Everyone else is screwed. Just between Twilight and True Blood they’ve already convinced every woman on the planet that walking-corpse blood-sucking vampires are the ultimate sexy. How can any non-geek compete with that? Geeks aren’t some fringe group anymore, they dictate the mainstream.
This hasn’t happened over night. Geeks have been influencing culture and society for a long while now. Geek-sexy legend, Nichelle Nichols, was there looking like royalty – ‘cause she is. Not only was she smearing sexy all over 1960s television screens as Uhura in Star Trek, she was paving a bright new future for us all, being one of the first African-Americans featured as a regular cast member on any series. Martin Luther King told her directly how important her role was for America. Young Whoopi Goldberg agreed, shouting, “Momma! There’s a black lady on TV, and she ain’t no maid!” Nichelle even went on to become a spokesperson and recruiter for NASA! We all owe her a great debt of gratitude… and did I mention she’s a smoldering super-vixen to boot?
Who else was there? Tons, including Ted Raimi (who was very polite when I accidentally cut him off during his return from a coffee break – we didn’t get a chance to talk about the time I met his brother Sam on the set of Spider-Man 2… did I just namedrop? I think so), Verne Troyer (I want you to imagine just how small you think he is… he’s smaller than that) and I did get to talk with actor/director Charles Haid – his daughter and I went to summer school together back in the day and I’m looking forward to catching up. Okay! Enough with the name dropping!
I was excited to see Jewel Straite (Kaylee from Firefly and Serenity) there, but before I could get a chance to talk with her I was quickly rebuffed by her… business guy? I don’t know if the guy was her manager, publicist or tennis coach but he had this whole situation under control. Serves me right for walking up giving the stink-eye – it was just a bit of dust! So, Jewel, don’t know what’s coming up next for you, but you’re super talented and I’m hoping it’s something awesome. If you wanna talk about it, I promise not to be quite so winky next time. Stupid dust.
First top model to come out of America’s Next Top Model, Adrianne Curry, was there. Not sure what she has to do with the “comicky” world, but she was dressed for it and excitedly ran off to pose with a female stormtrooper she saw march past. So I think she’s a fan. Actually, now that I think about it – the way she was dressed and getting into everything – I think she’s a real geek who’s invaded the modeling world!
This brings me back to exactly my point. Those geeks of Weezer have invaded music. Chemical Brothers? Crystal Method? Ke$ha? Geeks. That geek Tiger Woods has invaded sports. Yeah, I know – but he took golf and turned into a science, then turned it into art, and that’s geek level obsession for something – he’s totally a geek… drunk with the discovered geeky seduction super powers, but a geek none the less. We just put a media savvy geek in the White House! Okay… just look at Obama, look at him and argue with me – you can’t. Geeks are in control of the roost, ladies and gentlemen. If the world after high school is just higher school on a grander scale, the geeks have taken the wedgies of yore as motivation to make the ongoing experience a better one. The geek nation is now conquering the final geek frontier, sexy. They’re making geek fantasies real – after all, fantasy geek sex is where Little Batmen and Spider-Men come from. And, friends, if the geeks do for sexy what they’ve done for entertainment, what they’ve done for technology… well, we’re in for one hell of a sexy sexy time. Sit up and pay attention, this may be the greatest age of man in history. At least until 2012. Why? Ask a geek.