The Trailer Park, No.002 – Robin Hood

Posted by Gabriel von Grünbaum on May 13, 2010

Robin Hood.  Nope.  No thanks.  I’m good.  I’ve seen it in black white.  I’ve seen it as a cartoon.  I’ve seen it played by an American.  I’ve seen it parodied.  I think I’m good.  This is nothing against director Ridley Scott – love the man.  Love Alien (giddy about his just announced prequels!), Blade Runner and Legend… oh yeah, Thelma & Louise – when he’s on his game he’s creating a whole world for you to explore!  Blade Runner rocked my world and is still inspiring me to this day.  Even when he’s half-assing it you still get a Gladiator or a Matchstick Men – still good.  But then there’s another Ridley that leaves me wondering what happened.  A Ridley I’m not connecting with at all.  A Ridley that makes my inner child cry even if I’m being offered a pudding pop at the same time.

I’m not saying that’s the fate of his new Robin Hood – maybe it’ll be the definitive version that people can finally say, “That’s the story of Robin Hood.” – but I’m afraid I’m just not interested, and nothing I’m seeing in any of the several trailers out so far is telling me that I’m going to see anything new or different from all the versions that have come before.

With a story that’s been around the block so many times you’ve gotta have a remarkably fresh angle.  Like: “We shot it documentary style, using actual criminals living in Sherwood Forest!” or, “It’s all shot first person 3D!  You are Robin Hood!” or, “What historians didn’t tell you is that Robin Hood was actually killed in Romania returning from the crusades!  He was brought back as a vampire – from the future – with frickin’ laser beams attached to his head!  That’s why his aim was so good!”

You know which Robin Hood I haven’t seen yet?  The porn one.  But I’m sure that’s just because I haven’t looked hard enough.  (Heh heh heh… hard enough…)  It’s had versions in every other rating category, it’s time you “filmmakers” in the valley and the canyons got on this whole untapped Robin Hood X rated market.  Until then, I’m sticking to the version where Robin Hood is played by a fox… no, an actual fox – okay, well, an actual cartoon fox.  That, my friends, is the best version out there yet.

If any of you know Russell Crow, please tell him I wish him the very best and not to throw a phone at me.

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